We have been teaching marriage prep for nine years now. And if you do the math, that means we started when we were barely married ourselves. The couple who was teaching the class at our church in Chicago were looking for a newer married couple to add relevance to their class, and we knew from the moment we started that God was calling us to do this. It is so much fun for us and keeps us on our toes.
We start every session by going around the room asking the couples to introduce themselves and tell us how they met. The stories are varied, but it is hard to miss the stars in their eyes as they talk about their upcoming weddings. I am sure some of their relationships have been tested more than others, but most of them are definitely still in the euphoric love phase. It is an awesome phase. I remember it fondly. And I still see glimpses of it from time to time, but let’s be honest, it ain’t happening every day amongst the sibling fighting, dirty dishes and piles of bills.
I am always saddened when I hear of a divorce, but even more so when I hear the reason is “we just fell out of love” or some other variation. Love is an emotion, and I don’t know about you, but my emotions seems to change from time to time. Some days they change from hour to hour. So basing a life long marriage on an emotion seems like a dangerous proposition. The fact is, the bible doesn’t define love as an emotion at all.
This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. (1 John 4:9)
Now don’t get me wrong, love defined as a feel-good, touchy-feely emotion is much more appealing than love defined as sacrificing my life for another person. Especially when that person leaves his dirty socks on the floor. But can you imagine what would happen to our marriages if we lived in a mode of sacrifice instead of a mode of “What have you done for me lately?”
When we were first married and people gave us (often unsolicited) advice, one of the things we heard from a few people has become a fun little mantra of our marriage. Instead of looking at your marriage as 50/50, look at is 100/0. You give 100 percent even when the other person isn’t. Cause if we give 50 and expect the other person to always meet us with the other 50 we are going to spend a big chunk of our marriage ticked off. And if we are honest with ourselves, we know there are a whole lot of days when we are barely hitting 30, leaving our spouse to pick up the other 70. We have been able to make this fun by doing nice things for the other person and when they notice saying, “Oh no big deal, I’m the 100.”
I’ll be honest, there are a lot of times when there is nothing fun about it. Times when I want to scream, “I am tired of being the 100!!!!!!” And I have two choices at that moment. I can sulk and pout and whine and punish my spouse with silence and withdrawal. But I am pretty confident that is not going to lead to him wanting to be more sacrificial to serve me. OR I can do what the bible has called me to do and continue to honor and love and serve my spouse knowing that there are many times he has served me without complaint.
It isn’t the easy choice. But it is the choice that gets us a little closer to happily ever after.
I love this post. And I love that you’re helping to shed light on the idea that a successful marriage isn’t something that happens through magical stars in your eyes. The great news is… it’s better than that.
I really like how you put that–a marraige is 100/0. I can’t get frustrated with anyone if I’m not willing to do 100% myself.
Phoebe @ Getting Freedom recently posted..A Look Ahead
There are a few pieces of advice I always give to people looking to get married:
1. You have to like the person in addition to love them.
2. You always have to maintain yourself and have your own interests, friends, personality.
3. Consider your marriage life-long so you never say or do something you can’t take back later.
4. Put your spouse first. That doesn’t mean your kids are neglected because they are number two because it’s a close second, but instead of putting kids, friends, chores, etc. first and your spouse becomes number 3 or 4 or 17, consider making them first every day.
As a person who’s been through two events that have a super high divorce rate and not only survived, but thrived with my husband, these are the rules that we live by.
Jill,
You couldn’t be more right on with this post. It’s so startling to me how many people seem to give up once the magic fades a little and life settles into exciting things like buying dishwashers and going to Costco. Love is a CHOICE we are called to make every day. Whether it’s loving our kids when they’re difficult or loving a spouse who doesn’t seem to be giving back, it’s a decision that leads us deeper into our commitment. Thanks for your words!
Jane recently posted..Haunted
Thank you for this post and I could not agree more! Keep it up!