If you’ve ever had a baby, you’ve most likely heard the old adage: Sleep begets sleep.
And, it seems in most cases, it’s totally true. Babies who nap well seem to also sleep more soundly at night. Withholding naps in hopes that sheer exhaustion will cause a deep sleep? Rarely works.
What you may never have heard, but what I believe is equally as true, is this: Sex begets sex.
While we might think that "going without" or depriving one another sexually will just make us burn with more desire, I think the opposite can be true. Much as the overtired infant just can’t settle into a good sleep groove, the couple going without sex for extended periods can have a tougher time finding their own groove, if you get my drift.
But why? How does that even make sense? Well, I have a few theories…
Sex builds and maintains closeness.
There’s this beautiful cycle that happens when man and woman come together. The woman feels loved and cherished and wants to be closer to her man. The man feels desired and respected and wants to be closer to his woman. Rather than lead to a finite contentment, this type of fulfillment feeds itself. Sex makes a couple feel closer which makes them want to have more sex. Lack of intimacy can lead to a disconnected feeling that makes it hard to come together.
Sex leads to good sleep.
Here’s my theory… at the most basic level, when we’re having good sex, we tend to be more well-rested. That might sound crazy, but it only makes sense. I’ve never heard anyone say, "Man, I slept like a rock after that amazing Twitter session last night." But sex with your spouse burns excess energy, helps you reconnect, and builds comfort and closeness. That right there is a recipe for a sound night’s sleep. I’m sure you’ve heard that, in order to get your best night’s sleep, you should minimize screen time in the hour leading up to bed. You know what you DON’T need to minimize? Intimacy with your spouse. Because, unlike your iPad, it will help you sleep better. And here’s the lovely part– if you have sleep better, you have more energy. And when you have more energy, getting busy with your partner sounds better. And then you sleep well again. Do you see how this works?
Sex is fun.
Not only is sex great for building and maintaining the population, it’s also just plain fun. Or it should be. Frequent sex is more likely to be fun simply because there’s less pressure involved. A couple who goes an extended period without it is likely to somehow feel compelled to either "make it amazing" or "just get it done" when it finally comes time to do the deed. What fun is there in that? By contrast, couples who enjoy being intimate frequently are in a better position to just enjoy it as it comes. And if someone truly does just pass out from exhaustion? There are less likely to be bitter feelings from a spouse whose needs for closeness are being regularly fulfilled. When sex is pure fun rather than a chore, we’re all far more likely to want more of it.
It can be hard sometimes to get in the right mood or mindset. We are all legitimately tired and over-burdened with the demands of work, children, and life. It only makes sense that we feel compelled to let some things slide. But, sex? Should really not be one of them. It’s too good for our health and our relationships to put it on the back burner.
The good news? A good intimate relationship can pick up inertia and almost drive itself. It’s worth starting the engine and getting it going, because… sex begets sex.
JessieLeigh is the mother of three, one of whom was a 24-week preemie. She is a determined advocate for the tiniest of babies, including the unborn. She can be found celebrating life’s (sometimes unexpected) miracles and blessings at Parenting Miracles.
A sex expert on Dr. Oz recently supported your theory and even suggested starting off with a small challenge of sex every day for a month. (!!!!) And building up from there. Well we tried… But with our third baby at 10 months, let’s just say we didn’t make it. Although, that’s no reason not to reset the challenge as much as possible. I think it finally dawned on me too that in the beginning of our relationship, we’d have sex every time we saw each other, so it makes sense that relationships can decline as the amount of sex you have declines. Not to mention kids, age, fatigue, etc. Great post!
Wow! Build UP from there? That is mighty ambitious!
Babies definitely add their own challenge. I almost felt like putting a disclaimer on this post that, of course, there are seasons of life when intimacy must naturally ebb and flow.
Oh my goodness – YES! My husband and I have this conversation often, and how we wish we could stress it more to other married couples.
Several years ago, we experienced a huge stumbling block in our marriage and one of the best things that came out of that situation (other than the closeness we gained while working through it) was the realization that if I willingly and happily submit to my husband’s desires ANY and EVERY time, in the end, we are both much happier. Note: he’s not demanding or aggressive or anything like that….
Our relationship isn’t strained like it was, he isn’t left wondering “when or if”, he’s satisfied, I’m satisfied and, generally speaking, we’re much closer than we were. I cannot stress enough how different our entire relationship has been since.
Another benefit for us has been, not only do we have more sex, it’s better and more fulfilling
It is so true that “sex begets sex.”
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I love that you addressed the closeness that you both gained from working through a challenging time, Laura. I think it’s so important that those of us who have “navigated the rough spots” are willing to share that with the newlyweds and newly-engaged. In a society where so many people are ready to run for the hills at the sign of difficulty, it’s truly beautiful to see that those tough patches are just part of the whole marriage picture… and that we CAN emerge in an even better relationship on the other side!
Love this post! And I agree… all the way around. Thanks for the reminder!
The only time I’m hesitant is when we have an exceptionally great time and am afraid that the next time won’t even come close to it. Not that I feel every time has to top the time before, but there can be an expectation, even if our partner isn’t aware of it. We usually talk it out before hand — or after — and all is fine. But the teensy tiniest fear is there, you know?
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So true! Being unselfish in the bedroom (ie too tired, too stressed, etc) equates to being unselfish in other areas of the relationship.
Go forth and do it!
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Great post today. It is so true what you said
Regrading bringing a couple closer. I’ve noticed
that I feel the closest to my wife during and after sex. I
Can’t explain it but it brings me back to center and makes me realize
how lucky I am that I have a wife that loves me and we are able
to share ourself with each other. I’m not concerned how good or bad
it was. Everytime we are together it reminds me how lucky I am to have
her.
Ahhh, JessieLeigh….OF COURSE Jill has someone writing about sex! And you’ve shared some wonderful thoughts here! I sure hope you’ve motivated a few to build up that inertia
.
Truly…sex IS a gift from God, to accomplish much of what you’ve described here…but I think you’ve just shared the tip of that iceberg.
Hotberg?
You know what I mean
.
xo
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Great article! So true.
THANK YOU!!! My husband and I are still working through a great deal of issues. Past sins of another done to me, but affects him and therefore us. I had to learn than talking about sex is normal. My husband is now my SAFE place. The LORD has blessed our marriage beyond measure. Allowing your heart to open to the wonderful love of Christ is the most wonderful thing you can do for your marriage!! Marriage is hard, but joyful and so much better because of the hard stuff. Being submissive to Christ’s finished work on the cross, and His plan for your marriage allows you and your husband to create a marriage that shows a glimpse of what is to come.
I am visiting here from Amy’s Finer Things. THANKS again for posting truth.
“Being submissive to Christ’s finished work on the cross, and His plan for your marriage allows you and your husband to create a marriage that shows a glimpse of what is to come.”
Love that!!
I couldn’t agree more. It’s hard to discuss these topics but so very important.
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Great article and very well put. We have been married for 21 years and truly believe that sex does bring you closer together. I like the challenge that Sonja talked about. When our kids were little and we got away for our vacations without them (also very important in a marriage) we would commit to having sex every day we were on vacation. That was almost 10 years ago and we still do that when we go away. I know it’s tough with little ones, it’s also hard with teenagers running around the house at all hours of the night. Nonetheless making time is important.
I also think for women getting to the point where sex is fun is really key. Some of you may think that thought is completely crazy, but it’s true sex begets sex.
I love so much about this comment, Amy, but the biggest part is your final point. I, too, think it’s important for women to find sex fun. I must confess that there’s a part of me that, while I appreciate the perspective and heart-felt intent, inwardly cringes every time I read about “succombing/submitting to his desires.” It’s not that it’s a bad thing to try to make your husband happy, but I really would like to see an end to the perpetuation of the idea that sex is somehow something that MEN crave and MEN enjoy and that women merely go along to keep to them happy. I believe whole-heartedly that it is a joint pursuit toward joint pleasure!