We have a good friend who always used to say that marriage is bootcamp for holiness. When she first uttered that statement, we were in the starry-eyed beginning stages of marriage. I think we nodded politely and thought little of it.
Then shortly after I (Jill) read the book Sacred Marriage
What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy. – Gary Thomas, Sacred Marriage
Wait what? Marriage isn’t here to make me happy? I thought my spouse was supposed to “complete me” a la Jerry Maguire. What about that whole “If mama isn’t happy, ain’t nobody happy thing”? Isn’t it his job to make sure I am happy??!!! Isn’t it her job to great my at the door with my robe and slippers??!!!
Now, the bulk of our married life IS happy. We laugh a ton together and know each other so well that sometimes it only takes a look to set us off into fits of giggles. Parenting these crazy kids side-by-side brings huge amounts of joy to life. But if we look to a person to bring our lives meaning and completeness and joy then we are setting ourselves up for failure. And setting our spouses up for a lifetime of being compared and resented.
If the bible is full of verses about us dying to self, submitting to him, sacrificing of ourselves for others, offering forgiveness when we don’t want to, practicing humility and loving those who are difficult to love then I think marriage fits the bill of bootcamp. We have to practice those things daily in marriage. Sometimes hourly.
And perhaps you have had the experience of inwardly railing against something your spouse has done to offend you (or maybe you are more holy than that and go to God to pray about your frustration) only to have God whisper back to you, “Yes, child, but let’s talk about your sin.” Or worse, “Yes child, you treat me the same way.”
While marriage has certainly taught me a lot about who God wants me to be, marriage is also a place that can point us to Jesus. When our spouses sacrifice themselves for our family, forgives us for our offenses even when we stubbornly refuse to admit we have done anything wrong and love us when we are most unlovable, they are the picture of Jesus in our lives which leads us to be more Christ-like in the process.
If God designed marriage to be a reflection of Christ and the Church then isn’t this exactly how it should work? But pursuing holiness is hard and sometimes chasing after happiness is so much easier. in our marriage nothing has been clearer than this- happiness can change on a dime and we are building a marriage that lasts a lifetime.
