Fighting Clean

Confession – Jill and I really like the movie Anchorman. Some of our fave quotes from it include, “Milk was a bad idea”, “I immediately regret this decision”, and the one pictured above, when Brick yells “I don’t know what we’re yelling about.”

In the course of our marriage prep classes, we focus a significant amount of time on conflict resolution. While conflict is normal, we talk with a lot of couples that have not yet established healthy ways of fighting. In fact, beyond being normal, conflict can be a very positive thing for a couple if they use the conflict as a means of addressing an issue and can move beyond it. However, for many couples, arguments quickly move beyond the root issue and escalate into something far more personal. For some, fighting has simply become a “normal” state of communications for them, which can quickly erode the trust that makes marriages thrive.

The real goal of healthy conflict resolution is understand and address the root issue, and couples should prevent arguments from escalating in order to stay focused on the issue. That requires self discipline – an intentional decision early in the conflict to not take the focus off of the issue and onto the other person in an effort to help you “win.”

We have found that one powerful question that keeps arguments from escalating (not unlike Brick’s quote above) is “What are we really fighting about?” When asked, that question can immediately redirect the focus of an argument back to the source of conflict. Over time, couples can learn to pause when they sense a fight escalating and ask themselves what the root of their fight really is. Only then can couples direct their energies at attacking the issue itself rather than their spouse.