In the course of the past three days, I (Ryan) have heard three remarkable stories of married couples enduring very difficult health problems. Jill and I have heard many of these stories over the years, and they are sometimes beautiful and sometimes tragic.

Every situation where a husband or a wife gets sick is, of course, tragic. But the situations that I’m referencing are those where the “healthy spouse” chooses to neglect or leave their sick partner. This unfortunately happens more than people would imagine, often because the “healthy spouse” isn’t actually emotionally healthy, but rather are unable to provide their spouse emotional support when they themselves are running on empty. Battling prolonged illnesses can often can create tremendous emotional duress for months or years, and not every spouse has the maturity or will to fulfill their vows.

Other situations though, even when there are terribly destructive diseases at work, are truly beautiful. The willingness of a loving spouse to give it their best, fully aware of their own emotional shortcomings, is a remarkable reminder of the capabilities of humans to commit to one another, for better and worse. Couples that choose to face disease and illness as a team will endure hardships that others will likely never understand, but these are the truly healthy marriages. They are a testament to grace, and a reminder that we were not created for this life, but rather to prepare for the next.  And as the first chapter of the book of James (my fave book of the Bible – click here) reveals, we may rejoice in difficult trials as we face these with faith and hope, because doing so blesses us with grace and perseverance.

Allow me to share one example of this with you (it happens to be the same video that our pastor Jeff used during his sermon (click here) this last Sunday. Robert McQuilken was the President of Columbia University and resigned, among some controversy, to help his wife who was battling Alzheimer’s. He also later wrote a remarkable book called A Promise Kept.  Here is the brief audio track of his resignation speech to his students and it modeled for them, as it does for us now, how beautiful it is when spiritual health triumphs in the midst of human fragility.

I (Jill) have always thought the concept of writing your own vows is a beautiful one. We chose to just use the standard vows which definitely have their own timeless, but it is always special when you attend a wedding where the bride and groom have put a lot of thought and personal reflection into what they pledge at their wedding.

This weekend I heard an excellent speaker who shared that he and his wife had written their own vows. One of the things she had vowed to do was to always be his biggest cheerleader.

His talk was actually on how to be a better writer, but that quick story about his wife’s vows stuck in my mind. Just because you may have already said your marriage vows to your spouse doesn’t mean it is too late to add a new one.

What would your marriage look like if you vowed to always be you spouse’s biggest supporter? Their loudest cheering section. Their constant encourager. The marital equivalent of a minivan driving around with a bumper sticker that says “my spouse is on the honor roll.”

What if instead of criticizing their shortcomings, you celebrated their efforts? What if when they took a risk in their life you said, “you can totally do that!” instead of “are you sure that you can handle that”? What if when they came into the house from a world that is telling them they aren’t enough, you told them that they were exactly who you needed them to be?

There are enough people in our lives telling us we can’t. Be your spouses biggest cheerleader and then watch them soar.

As many of you probably know, in addition to writing for this blog, Jill also blogs  on her mommy-blog, The Diaper Diaries. Additionally, each year Jill goes away for four or five days to a mommy-blog conference called Blissdom, which she did early this morning, and that means that I’m at home with three kids under the age of ten for a long weekend. Pray for me (I considered ending the post here).

Despite the mayhem of trying to manage the kids’ schedule and household duties by myself, I do enjoy the time with the kids and over the years I’ve learned some keys to keeping things running well. So to all of my brothers who are out there holding down the fort sans mama for a day, a week, or longer…  here are the best plays from my playbook:

- When it comes to preparing for school, it’s all about making things happen the night before. Lunches are prepared, clothes are laid out, backpacks are packed… heck, if possible, send ‘em to bed with breakfast in a ziploc… whatever it takes to keep your day from getting ruined in the first thirty minutes.

- Save the electronic distractions for key moments. Recent studies have shown that allowing your three-year-old to play video games for twelve straight hours can cause her carpal tunnel and drive you to clinical psychosis with digital kiddie music. Save the “screen time” for when you make dinner or are experiencing a momentary mental breakdown.

- Scour your world for legit ways to pawn them off to a responsible sitter for an hour. Not just grandparents… free childcare at the gym (“Is that guy asleep in the whirlpool?”), those “Habitrail for Kids” indoor playgrounds, and attend all three services at church over the weekend (“Yes, we’re back. We crave theological depth.”)

- Do a load of laundry every time you need to pee. Treat it like a drinking game. That chest-high pile of laundry will soon overtake you unless you manage that washer/dryer like you’re Chewbacca trying to stop the trash compactor.

- Use your evenings after the kids are asleep to watch sports and dream up ridiculous things to do the next day with your kids… no-utensil dinners, building the world’s largest cushion and blanket fort, plan a Saturday “craziest hairstyle” contest using mom’s smelly Aveda spritz… and then go to bed at like 9pm.

- Spend the three hours before your wife returns home scouring it clean and then lie on the couch with one of her magazines and some bon bons moments before she arrives. When she walks in say, “Oh, you’re back already?”

And that’s how it’s done.

So the W2s have begun showing up in mailboxes, nonprofits have sent out year-end receipts, and there are people dressed as the Statue of Liberty and Uncle Sam in front of every strip mall. It’s that time of year – tax time!

For a lot of couples, tax time can be very stressful, and not just because they might need to pay additional taxes. In many marriages, money issues simply percolate in a menacing manner on the periphery without being discussed. There’s a certain attitude that is prevalent that’s not unlike the way we treat news headlines about tensions in the Middle East… “I know it’s there, it’s probably something that deserves my attention, but I’d prefer to watch Dodgeball again on TBS.”

But having said that, now is the time my friends… not on April 15 and not once that check is cut (either to you or from you)… now is the time to talk about your finances. Why? Because it’s the only time of year when you have the information and the impetus to review last year’s financials and reflect on your financial picture.

If you get a refund, how should it be spent? Should it be put into savings? Should you pay off some debt? Should you take a vacation? And if you have to cut a check to the government, how will it impact you financially? And regardless of how the taxes turn out, it’s worth looking at what you made and what you spent and asking tough questions… are you living beyond your means? Do you need to adjust your lifestyle in any way? Are you generous? Are you using the financial resources that you’ve been given by God as a responsible steward?

These questions cause a lot of couples to cringe, but they can’t be put off indefinitely. The keys to creating a productive conversation about money are:

- Find dedicated time for just the two of you to focus on the conversation (no kids demanding your attention or tv playing the background) for an hour or two

- Acknowledge that you have different financial styles – it’s common to have one “saver” and one “spender” in marriage  - and show each other grace. God sacrificed himself to redeem you; the least you can do is stop calling your spouse Mr. or Mrs. Save-A-Lot.

- Start by discussing your financial goals and then transition to your short term-priorities. Stick to asking the right questions (like the ones above) and don’t get off in the weeds arguing about how much her hair styling costs (a quadrillion dollars to cover a little gray) or how much his new golf clubs cost (he honestly thinks they help him play better).

- If you are both totally baffled about money, ask if there’s free financial counseling at church to ensure that you don’t get roped in by a financial planner with ulterior motives

Now is the time… make it happen!

When you marry your spouse did anyone ever tell you that you marry their whole family? Well you probably figured that out the first time you met the in-laws. But this post isn’t about the in-laws per se, but about the concept of their family.

Growing up, my family use to fondue on Christmas Eve. It was one of my favorite traditions growing up and I was so excited to share it with Ryan when we were dating. He thought it was crazy. But he indulged me. It didn’t go well (I think we used the wrong oil) and we ended up with major stomach aches.

Ryan grew up with strong ties to his Polish heritage. I had honestly never had any experience with Polish traditions and food until our wedding shower where all his relatives made authentic dish after authentic dish. I even got a Polish cookbook.

Today in a crazed fit of spontaneity it would be fun to do something for Fat Tuesday with the kids. As I started to read about it, I saw that it is part of the Polish celebration to eat Paczki, a type of jelly filled doughnut). So I thought it would be fun to celebrate our family’s heritage by taking a crack at them.

You don’t have to make a super involved, complicated, pain in the backside recipe (ahem) to embrace your spouse’s traditions. But it is just another way to show your spouse you are paying attention and you care.

What traditions were important in your family? Have you and your spouse adopted any fun family traditions?

Okay friends, I know this is a marriage blog but stick with me for a few seconds while I talk about the greatest team in professional sports, the Detroit Red Wings (I have a point – I promise).

This year’s teams is one of the best I’ve seen and one of the guys I like the most on the team is Brad Stewart. Stewie  is a hard-hitting, big-hearted defenseman who is responsible with the puck and as a great shot from the point. But unfortunately, he’s almost certainly to be gone after this season… which is what brings me to my point.

Stewie has what is sometimes referred to as a “commuter marriage.” A commuter marriage is a marriage in which husband and wife live in separate places for reasons other than marital problems. Stewie’s family is in San Jose, and while I am a big fan of his, I hope for his sake and his family’s sake that he moves to a west coast team. As you can imagine, commuter marriages are common in hockey, a sport in which players are often traded between cities during a nine-month season. However, according to today’s article in USA Today (click here), commuter marriages have been on the rise across the U.S. over the past few years as people have been forced to take jobs away from their families.

Jill and I (you knew this was Ryan writing this, right?) have met several couples with commuter marriages and thanks to Skype and other mobile technologies, communication is easier than ever. Having said that, spending time away from a spouse still involves special challenges and risks. Specifically, people can take for granted the simple experiences that couples share – grocery shopping, talking about a television show, or doing chores around the house – that provide the glue for closeness. When couples lead separate lives (not only due to geographic separation, of course) those shared moments are lost, and each spouse should be highly-aware of any other person with whom these moments are shared and to whom they might be getting “glued.” At the very least, seeing the sacrifices that many couples must endure to make ends-meet is a reminder to all of us to soak in those little seemingly-meaningless activities and recognize them as important components of our lives together.

Do you know any commuter couples? If so, any lessons to be learned from them?

We had probably been married 9 months when we got asked to help out with a marriage retreat at the church we were attending at the time. Up until that point we had never considered helping out with marriage ministry. Partly because we were barely married. And partly because we had no idea what we were doing ourselves let alone helping others.

I mean we were doing fine outside of a bit of a rough first few months. Actually when I write it that way I see that in all actuality we had been doing fine for 50% of our marriage. Why on earth would someone want us in marriage ministry?

Over the years we have grown into “marriage ministry” and we both have developed a passion for helping others start off marriage on the right foot. The world’s view of marriage is such a skewed one and if we can help people reframe their marriage in a way that honors God and each other, well what better job is there?

But here is the thing. You don’t have to be teaching marriage classes at your church to be in marriage ministry. With 50% of marriages ending in divorce and an unknown percentage of other ones that aren’t happy, people want to know what makes a good marriage good. And they are watching yours.

Maybe you are saying you don’t have a good marriage let alone a great one. But if you are fighting for your marriage, seeking God in your marriage and trying your hardest to honor a spouse whether of not they deserve it, YOU are in ministry.

Whether you are in a great place or a not so great place, God has a way he wants you to run your marriage. And when people look at your great marriage and ask why it is so great, you can say “We are two messes of people who can only point to God as the reason we have the marriage we do.” And when people ask why you are sticking it out in a marriage that many would have thrown in the towel on you can say, “We know God has brought us together and that there is blessing on the other side of this trial is we are faithful to him.” That is what the monthly “My Marriage Survived” posts are all about.

Your coworkers who are struggling in their marriages are watching. Your friends who love their spouses but feel their marriages have lost their spark are watching. And your children who are basing their understanding of marriage on what they see are most definitely watching. So whether you know it or not you are in marriage ministry.

Is you marriage pointing people to God?

They way this man describes this love story is the way I hope someone describes ours::: A Brother And Sister Get Married (And Later, Their Son Tweets It)

This fits so well with our Valentine’s post from this week::: Real Married-With-Kids Romance

This story could be anyone’s story. Are you guarding your marriage?::: A Marriage Redeemed [Our Story]

Simple, but priceless advice::: Believing in His Goodness

This post is linked up to saturday stumbles at simply staci

You might recall that we participate in a blog series over the last few weeks to encourage you to take you marriage from find to fabulous. What you might not realize is that we worked with four other talented bloggers who shared their wisdom. I have always felt you can never get enough good advice when it comes to make your marriage better.

If you marriage is in a rut and you need help climbing out:

In a Rut? Spice It Up: Amy’s Finer Things

Getting Out of the Marriage Rut: A Thankful Heart

Been WAY too long since you had a date night?

Winter Dates: For Better and Worse

Making Time for Date Night- Once and For All: Parenting Miracles

Making Time For Date Nights: Blue Jeans and Cotton Tees

Want to keep your marriage sweet AND spicy?:

Sex Not Fit for TV– Keeping It Sweet & Spicy: For Better and Worse

Keeping it Sweet AND Spicy: Parenting Miracles

Maybe it is the little moments that make a marriage great:

Tuning In– Building Lasting Connections Through Little Moments: For Better and Worse

The Little Things: Blue Jeans and Cotton Tees

Cherishing the Small Moments: A Thankful Heart

Most importantly remember that Love Is A Verb:

Taking the Fall Out of Love: For Better and Worse

Love… is a Verb: Parenting Miracles

Love in Action: A Thankful Heart

Love is a Verb: Blue Jeans and Cotton Tees

I know that is a lot to take in, but there is a lot of great stuff in there. Good reading for Valentine’s week!

What was your favorite takeaway from the series?

It’s an election year, and Jill and I value your input. Today is Valentine’s Day and like us, you’ve likely been watching your FB and your Twitter streams blow up with V-day updates. You know, those ooey-gooey, snugly posts from spouses to one another… pics of chocolates, emotive superlatives, and even a few pet names (“I love you bunny-wunny!”). So what do you think about couples using social media to express love to each other…

#1 … a beautiful expression of love in the modern era! A testament to marital fidelity, modeling positive affirmation.

#2 … more syrupy than a plate of Denny’s flapjacks. Uncomfortably emotive expressions among spouses that are better shared  in the privacy of one’s love nest.

#3 … at least these posts are positive, unlike cousin Lucy airing her dirty laundry (literally) in the  infamous “if this jackass doesn’t put his underwear in the hamper” posts from Valentine’s Day ’09!

Cast your vote!