I (Ryan) remember back when I was taking seminary classes in 2001, meeting lots of great men and women who were studying theology – all while getting hopelessly in debt. Having come from the business sector (and later going back into it), I couldn’t help see the extraordinary cost of theological education through a different lens than many of my fellow students. Sure a good theological foundation is “priceless”, but not if you’re forced to leave the ministry to repay your student loans!

Likewise, Jill and I have seen a similar dynamic with weddings. Today one of our favorite magazines, The Week, post a series of interesting numbers about the cost of weddings (click here). As it turns out, despite the economy being in the toilet, the cost of weddings (much like college tuition) is skyrocketing. Today, the average cost of a wedding is nearly $30k, or nearly $200 per head, and that doesn’t even touch the higher costs associated with weddings in cities like NY or Chicago, where the prices are much, much higher.

We have our theories on why weddings cost so much, and little of it has anything to do with the actual costs of the goods or services provided. First off, weddings costs are mostly based upon services which have variable pricing. Reception halls, photographers, cake makers and even pastors base their prices on market rates and perception of quality, and most couples will choose someone they perceive to be better (and more expensive) than average, which by definition continues to force prices up.  Additionally, weddings are the definition of “once in a lifetime” events (at least in theory), which causes the couple and their parents to shelve otherwise frugal tendencies. But most impactful – and this extends well beyond the wedding to lifestyle choices regarding homes and cars – many young people simply expect to live like those they see on television and can’t fathom the idea of a wedding on a budget.

The issue with all of this is that it kicks off a marriage on a terrible set of values, encouraging couples and their parents to cause themselves financial injury before the marriage has begun. While we’re all hoping for a fairy-tale event, it doesn’t require a reality-TV cake maker and a pile of debt to make it happen. Instead, if we’re planning a wedding or if we know someone who is, we should point them to where the true magic can be found… in making the day a celebration of our relationship, in having the people we love surrounding us to celebrate, in laughing and enjoying each moment, and in making the day and the marriage honor God… who has already settled our debts through Christ.

I bet you thought when you got married that you were done dating. Little did you know that you would have to start all over again. But this time “dating” other couples that you want as couple friends. Yes you have your individual friends. And they might even be married to lovely people. But that doesn’t mean that they make good couple friends.

The sheer math of it all is what makes it so difficult. You might like the wife, but he might not like the husband. Or he might like the husband while you find the wife to be unbearable. Finding couples where all four people like all four people is a challenge. And some kids in the mix and it is darn near impossible. I mean now you have to like/tolerate their kids too?!

When we first got married we were blessed with the most amazing small group of couples who became the closest of friends. For the most part the math worked out for everyone. We socialized together. We went to church together. Our kids played together. We prayed for each other. They were the kinds of friends that were family.

But then we moved away. Actually a few of us moved away. And we grieved the loss of those friends. Still, despite distance and time and life being crazy busy they are still people that we can lean on and call in good times and bad.

Now, life has gotten busier and free time is getting more and more precious, so finding couple friends often takes back seat to all of the other life’s demands. But I still think there is value in it. Having friends that are there for you through thick and thin is essential when life takes a turn for the worse.

Of course having our girlfriends and guy friends is important but let’s be honest. Our own friend’s loyalty is often to us and sometimes rather than providing an unbiased listening ear sometimes they can add fuel to our fires when we are struggling. And sometimes our loyalty can get pulled towards our friends instead of towards our spouse.

Friends that love you both and want the best for both of you can speak truth into our lives, build us up when we need it and help us keep perspective. And being around other couples who share your values and interests not only makes life more fun but I find it also helps you be a better spouse and parent. So we continue to pursue relationships with other couples even though it can be challenging. Messy math and all.

Do you find it hard to find other couples to be friends with?

There was an article that posted yesterday on WashingtonPost.com about the effects of marriage preparation (click here to read it). The article recaps the preliminary results of a study being conducted and indicated that the quality of marriage often increased with better preparation, but divorce rates seemed to remain the same. Given that Jill and I invest between twelve and eighteen of our weeks each year teaching marriage prep, and I just got done rewriting our marriage prep curriculum, the article piqued my interest.

Personally, I’d never be satisfied leading a marriage preparation ministry that didn’t reduce divorce rates. I have no idea what this group is teaching, so I have no means of contrasting it to what we do, but it made me begin to wonder what and how others who lead marriage prep ministries go about developing their courses and how they measure success. So allow me to ask you all…

- What teachings were most valuable to you during your marriage preparation?

- If you could share one learning from your experience as a husband or wife with those preparing for marriage, what would it be?

Sometimes I laugh that Ryan and I would be writing a marriage blog and going on TV to provide relationship advice. Because if you knew Ryan and I , well… “pre- Ryan and I”, then you would know we were anything but “relationship experts”. We were terrible at relationships. Somewhere, someone who once dated one of us is saying, “Amen!!”

I grew up watching my parents’ great marriage. But I also grew up watching shows like Moonlighting and Cheers (my two personal favorites). Do you know what made a good relationship on those TV shows (and in most TV shows and movies today)? A whole lot of drama.

On TV, big fights led to bigger make ups. Love was expressed with passion. Break ups occurred often but they always got back together. Somehow I began to believe that this was the way a relationship was supposed to be.

My relationships were all about the drama. I picked fights just to see where they would lead. I was a pro at getting in that “dig” that would escalate things. I would throw out “maybe we should break up” liberally just to see if the guy I was dating would beg me to stay (oddly enough that rarely worked). Drama was my drug.

Ryan’s relationships were marked my similar drama. And around me I saw a lot of other people running their relationships in the same way. But… no one seemed very happy. Because the thing about a relationship built on drama is when the drama starts to go away, you stop feeling loved. So to feel loved again, you create more drama. And the circle continues.

I would love to say this is a young immature relationship thing and that mature, married adults grow out of this phase. Some do, and some don’t. Old patterns die hard especially when they are reinforced by all that we see in the media. To escape this pattern, it takes a husband and wife who are willing to reflect on their relationship and interrupt the cycle.

To do so, a husband and wife need to make different choices when the drama starts brewing and consider what can be done to prevent it from escalating. It may be less exciting, but marriages thrive when husbands and wives strive to bring out the best – not the worst – in each other.

As Jill and I often say, great marriages offer both security and significance that cannot be found in other relationships. The depth of intimacy that’s possible in marriage is made real when we become deeply transparent and allow our spouse to fully know us, and from having a spouse that affirms us and lifts us up even when they are exposed to those parts of us we’d prefer to keep hidden. Receiving that affirmation breeds security, and offering it provides significance.

But even in the best marriages, it often surprises us that there’s a critical arena that is left unexplored – our passions to serve our others. Sure, couples might volunteer at their church or at their kids’ school events, but truly serving your community (however you define it – your family, your church, your city, your gender, your race, etc.) isn’t just about committing to convenient volunteering opportunities, but first involves exploring what areas of need uniquely and deeply move your heart.

We believe that each of us are implanted – through our own experience and the work of the Holy Spirit -with very specific passions to help others that require exploration in order to be discovered. For some people, it’s the environment, as if the Earth’s Creator has implanted an urge to preserve and protect it. For others, it’s spending time with the elderly, those forgotten sages that often spend their last years toiling in loneliness. For others still, it’s  helping illiterate adults, or abused children, or victims of sexual assault.  It’s up to us to discover what moves us and follow those passions.

Many of us have had Ecclesiastes 4 (“two are better than one… a cord of three strands is not easily broken”) read at our weddings. But if you’ve read the chapter (or heard it in that Byrd’s songs) you know that the verse isn’t really about marriage – it’s about collective impact. It’s about what’s possible when people join forces to help each other. In marriage, we have the unique ability to impact those around us and by determining where the Lord is leading us as individuals and seeking out the intersection of those passions. Once that intersection is determined, we can begin investing our time, treasure and talents to make a difference and to experience that difference together. And, as the years pass and we follow where the Lord leads our hearts, our marriages can become not just source of security and significance in our own lives, but we can become significant in promoting the security and well-being of others.

You can find the husband’s perspective in yesterday’s post.

The day after Ryan took his new job he put out an announcement on Facebook inviting people to join him for a happy hour. The place was packed with people who were quick to tell me how wonderful my husband is. As if I didn’t already know (bragging wife).

What I didn’t expect was two of his closest friends and work colleagues coming over to me telling me how valuable I had been to Ryan during this process. Partly because I also have a bragging husband. But partly because they really needed me to know from a man’s perspective how important a wife’s attitude and support for her husband really is.

I assured them I had learned this through a lot of trial and error. And over the course of a lifetime of hard decisions I am sure I will mess up more often than I get it right. But what I realized in that moment is this… if as wives we aren’t allowing our husbands the freedom to occasionally step out and take a leap of faith, we will never see them turn that leap into a chance to soar.

I am certainly not suggesting letting your husband make ill-advised career choices that will jeopardize your family, but I am suggesting that we don’t inadvertently clip their wings to the degree that they are forever grounded (what is up with all the bird analogies?).

I have been married to a husband who has at times in his career been miserable in a job. I have also been married to that same husband who at times gets tremendous joy from his job. I can tell you which one I like better, and while a job at the end of the day is just a job, it is still an important place for us to grow – to contribute our talents, and to be challenged, rewarded, and engaged.

In a marriage both spouses should feel a freedom to dream big dreams. In fact, you should be dreaming them together and then talking about them. There is a time for completely rational thinking and number crunching. and you should do that together too.

But, at the end of the day it comes back to being each other’s biggest adviser and even a cheerleader. And I don’t know about you, but when I am making a big decision that has big implications for my family, that is when I need some advice and encouragement the most.

A frank discussion about marital sex (one of our favorite topics)::: 10 Things I’ve Learned About Sex In 6 Months Of Marriage

I love this quote so very, very much::: Marriage Expectations

I so respect this woman for valuing her marriage over her paycheck::: Why This Is Going to Be My Last Column

This post will be linked to Saturday Stumbles at Simply Staci.

Every couple encounters life stages that involve making important decisions. These life decisions… a move to a new city, a job change, having kids, a large purchase, or even selling it all and hitting the mission field… often introduce a great deal of risk into otherwise stable lives. The past few weeks have been one of those life stages for Jill and me as I’ve opted to leave a company where I worked for most of my career and move to a competitor. There were lots and lots of considerations that went into the decision, but the part of the process that was most imperative to me was that Jill and I made the choice together.

This isn’t the first time we’ve taken on a big decision, and we’ve learned over the years that these decisions must be made together. From my perspective as a husband, it would have been nearly impossible for me to be at peace with a decision that I made unilaterally which incurred a lot of risk. We’ve met couples over the years where the wife “opts out”or is left out of the decision making process, either because of the couple’s interpretation of Biblical submission or because she simply can’t emotionally handle thinking about the worst-case scenarios. This is unfortunate, because men inherently feel a desire to be “provider”… not just for the monetary needs of the family, but for the security and stability of their home (home in the most holistic sense of the word – not just a house) and endangering that stability presents a hefty emotional burden.

As we processed through the decision, Jill was there to help ask the tough questions, evaluate the worst-case scenarios, consider the rewards, to pray about our choices, and ultimately to offer her opinions. And I took her opinions very, very seriously. I have learned over the years that she has an innate wisdom that, despite the fact that she’s never worked in a corporate environment, is of tremendous value relative to my work decisions. I’ve learned to seek her input and to listen closely to what she has to say.

Ultimately, we decided it was the best choice to incur the risk and make a move, which happens to be the opposite choice than what we had decided on two earlier job opportunities. Did we make the right choice? Only time will tell, but what’s most important to me is that it was our choice, and I know as a husband that if it blows up that I won’t be second-guessed at home and that I’ve got a great partner to help forge a new path.

In a day or two, you’ll hear Jill’s perspective. In the meantime, any lessons to share from how you’ve managed risky decisions as a couple?

I think we have said before that we don’t think arguing is a sign of a bad marriage. It is how you handle the argument that will determine the course of your marriage. So with that disclaimer I present to you one of Ryan and my biggest fights.

We had gone to Chicago for the weekend. My parents were with us as well. There is nothing quite like fighting with your husband in front of your parents. Or in my husband’s case, in front of your in-laws. Try it sometime.

We both had ideas in our heads about how we wanted to spend our day, but neither one had communicated it with the other person. Instead we both planned our days in our heads and then went about them thinking the other person would follow. Well it became clear about 2 stops later on the train that we weren’t remotely on the same page.

So we are fighting. In public. With my mom and child in tow. And we are just getting more and more frustrated with each other wondering why the other person is being so selfish with their day. Never stopping for a second to realize that perhaps there was selfishness all the way around.

I know this fight might seem quite generic and maybe even a little lame, but what it made us realize very clearly is how many fights in marriage are about different expectations.

Maybe you expect major romance in your marriage. Maybe you assume your spouse would see the piles around the house and pick up. Maybe you expect that your spouse will read your signals and see you are “in the mood.” Maybe it is as simple as a wife waiting all day for her husband to come home from work so she can get a break from the kids but the husband has been waiting all day to come home and relax after work.

We all bring expectations into our marriages either from the family we grew up in, the marriages we see around us or what Hollywood tells us things should look like. Expectations aren’t in themselves a bad thing. But when we don’t communicate our expectations with our spouse we are setting them up for failure. Sometimes the simple act of communicating them can help us to see they are out of whack. But even if they are reasonable expectations, we aren’t married to a mind reader.

So now we tend to start out our evenings and our weekends with a simple phrase: “What were you hoping to accomplish tonight/ today/ this weekend?” We start out our vacations in a similar fashion. And when we are frustrated with each other we try and take time to unpack what expectations we might have that aren’t being met.

It hasn’t eliminated every fight, but it has certainly curtailed many of them. And it has helped us look for the best in our spouse, realizing that often times what we are angry about isn’t a reflection of who they are, but just what we expect of them.

In other words {shocker}, sometimes I might be the one who needs to change.

sometimes parenthood IS sexy::: Sometimes Valentine’s Comes in March

Is there an ideal age to marry?:::  How Old Should You Be to Marry?

Does marriage even matter any more?::: Do We No Longer Need Marriage?