I wish more people had this kind of commitment to marriage::: The One About My Marriage Nearly Ending

We are passionate about this topic and would love our readers to contribute::: Surveying Sex

This post is linked up to Saturday Linky Love at Vanderbilt Wife

It’s been nearly six or seven years since Jill told me that she was going to start a blog of her own, what we would today call a “mommy blog.” She was one of the early pioneers in this arena (she wouldn’t agree, but I think so) and over the years I’ve watched as The Diaper Diaries has grown and how she’s become an online form of support, encouragement and laughter for thousands of moms. It’s been awesome to see, and not particularly surprising.

I say that because Jill is a social person, she’s smart, she knows a ton about emerging online platforms (helpful to a husband whose job is to understand technological trends), and she’s very funny – like when she decides to take a nap on Thomas Jefferson’s lawn (pictured). But the real reason why I’m not surprised at the rise of The Diaper Diaries is that Jill is simply a fantastic mom. She makes her mistakes, sure, but she provides our kids necessary boundaries, tons of love, and lives her life in a way that allows them to absorb what it means to be a follower of Jesus.

Back when we first started having kids, I had only held a baby once or twice (thanks to Jill making me serve in our church’s nursery for practice!) before we had our first. I have awesome parents but I never, ever could conceptualize of what it would be like for me to be a parent. So looking back, in many ways I think that more than any of her readers I am the person most blessed to learn from her as I see how she loves our kids and as I receive encouragement from her when I feel less-than perfect (or downright lousy) about my own parenting.

She’s an enormous blessing, and I’m doing my best this Mother’s Day to reflect on the innumerable things that make her special. I’d encourage you to do the same with your wife or your mom.

I love this post and you just need to grab a tissue for the video::: The “Only Ifs” of Marriage

I have been trying to write this post for weeks but someone else did it for me. LOVE. THIS. POST::: Sex is Important to Married Women

This post says so much more than just marriage, but I love what is says about marriage too::: In Praise of My Unspectacular, Pre-Pinterest Wedding

So simple yet so hard::: Kindness in Marriage

I (Ryan) remember spending summer days at my grandparents house when I was young and seeing them do devotions (Bible study) each day around10am. I really had no idea what doing devotions meant, and I was too young to understand that this was a very special component of their relationship, a spiritual discipline that drew them closer to each other and to God.

But years later when I was in college, when I started to consider the range of religious beliefs that are out there in the world, I began to weigh the evidence for-or-against the truth of the Bible. Among the other things I considered was if there were people in my life who were credible examples of Christianity, and I came to understand that my grandparents were authentic believers. They weren’t perfect, but they had willfully handed the authority of their lives over to Jesus, and I could see in innumerable ways the effects of the Holy Spirit on how they lived.

This became even more apparent to me as I grew in my faith and considered getting married. I hadn’t had a lot of marital role models, and a lifetime of serial dating hadn’t given me a lot of confidence in my own ability to remain committed. So I looked to my grandparents as I often still do, in wonder of how the Lord allowed this quiet elderly couple to have a pretty remarkable ride… traveling with one another across the world, riding camels through the desert, getting baptized in the Jordan river, helping orphans in Mexico, rebuildling hurricane-torn cities in Florida, and perusing around Michigan on a Honda Goldwing wearing Christian biker gang jackets.

They both passed away years ago, but they endure as role models for me as to what Christian marriage should look like.

We often ask the students that we teach in marriage prep classes to identify and discuss their role model couples – those couples that for them best model Christian marriage. We then encourage the couples to reach out to those role-model couples who came to their minds and let them know why they think their marriages are special. Many couples strive hard to honor their spouses and the Lord with their marriages, but few realize the positive effects that doing so has on others.

So today, consider your Christian marriage role models… and drop them a line to let them know that you’ve been blessed by their relationship.

It seems lately I (Jill) have a lot of friends who are going through major struggles in their marriages. And I find myself in conversations about what has gone wrong and how to fix it. But there is one common thread through the conversations I have had – each person seems to be asking, either directly or indirectly, “what if I simply married the wrong person?”

In today’s marriage culture the question makes sense. The world tells us to follow our hearts to find our soul mate and if we don’t care for our current marriage to ditch it and start looking all over again. But what if that’s not the best way to handle deep marital challenges? What if, in fact, it’s possible to seek out a connection with our spouse that doesn’t yet exist, finding our soul mate within our current spouse rather than seeking it elsewhere.

If this is possible, then what do we do when we feel like we are “stuck” in a marriage with someone we really don’t want to be “stuck” with?

I think we have to begin by radically changing our perspective. Instead of focusing on being “stuck”, we must instead focus on remaining committed to this person. Committed to being honest about how you feel. Committed to working through the tough spots. Committed to a covenant of “’till death do you part.” Because sometimes you have to get through the “worse” to get to the “better.

This is, of course, an oversimplification of how difficult it can be to rebound from unhealthy patterns. But it all starts with a re-commitment to marriage. Sometimes we have to start with the commitment and let the feelings follow.

You’ve seen many posts from us about the true nature of love… that it’s not about being selfish, but rather self-less. And over the years that we’ve been teaching marriage prep, we’ve met people that represent both extremes of the spectrum. There have been a few (thankfully not too many) that seem entirely self-absorbed, and who likely were not aware of it. Alternately, we’ve met many remarkable young people whose willingness to do what’s best for their future spouse has transcended their age. And in-between is where most people live, hoping that they can be the spouse they want to be, but not entirely confident in their abilities.

So what is it that allows someone to love sacrificially? We’ve generally determined that it’s a combination of two things – emotional maturity & willingness. Emotional maturity comes through experience and most of can think back to a time in our lives when we just weren’t ready to be in a healthy relationship. And willingness… well, it’s just that, the desire to do what’s best for someone else, despite your own inherent sinfulness. This willingness shows itself in a decision, or more specifically a series of decisions made daily, to put your spouse’s needs before your own.

Beyond this simple assessment lies two other important factors. The first is that a strong willingness to behave sacrificially can overcome a lot of emotional immaturity. In fact, it often represents the path out of it. The second is that as Christians we can turn to the One who modeled this sacrifice for us for help. Loving sacrificially is what defines Christ-likeness (he didn’t have to sacrifice himself for us, but chose to do so knowing that we could never meet the standards of a holy and perfect God), and when we choose to follow Jesus we are enabled with his Spirit to lead us, to grow us, and to mature us.

So the big net out is, you have to commit. Not just commit to be in a commitment… but commit to love sacrificially, looking out for your spouse’s best interests each day, beginning today.

As we mentioned a few weeks back, I (Ryan) recently made a career move to a different company. It’s been a great transition and I absolutely love my new job. Having said that, even great life events come with some stress and as things have gotten busier for us, you may have noticed that Jill and I have been posting a little less frequently than we normally do. So it was appropriate that we got a chance to talk with our friend Mike at Fox 17 about dealing with periods of stress. Doctor, heal thyself! Click here to check out the segment, and look forward to more frequent posts from us in the coming weeks.

Have you ever noticed how we are drawn to older married couples? It doesn’t really matter if you are the most cynical critic of marriage, when we see a couple who have clearly survived through the decades something in us wants to applaud.

One of my (Jill) favorite moments at a wedding reception is when the DJ or band chooses to bring married couples onto the dance floor and then gradually the people who have been married the least amount of time leave the floor. Inevitably you are left with a couple well into their years holding each other close swaying on the dance floor. It is hard to keep a dry eye.

Last week an older couple sat down next to me at a bus stop in Chicago. They looked Eastern European and huddled close together speaking in their native language. I discovered upon talking to them that they had lived in Chicago quite a long time so it was almost as if their native language was a secret one just between them.

It was clear they hadn’t just caught my attention but the attention of many other people waiting for the bus. A photography student asked if she could take their picture and they happily leaned into each other and smiled. She asked them how long they had been married and the husband proudly exclaimed, “Sixty-four years!”

I asked him what their secret was. He said, “I always get the last word” with a wink. I looked at his wife and laughed. “Do you agree?” I asked her. She smiled and told me to wait to hear what the last word was. He smiled and said, “Yes dear.”

It was clearly their special inside joke. She smiled at him and he smiled back. All of the years of their marriage seemed to pass between them. My heart hurt that we are losing a generation of people who believed marriage was worth sticking it out for. A generation who really believed the words “for better or worse.”

Were the ones who have stuck it out and made things blessed with perfect marriages? Of course not. I am sure there are some people who have been married sixty plus years who have been miserable nearly all of them. But I grieve for my generation who is buying the lie that we should “follow our heart” and “not stay in something that makes us unhappy.”

The REAL secret to that couple at the bus stop’s marriage? Simply being willing to stick by each other through good times and bad so that at the end of their life they had someone to look back on a lifetime of memories with. What a legacy.

I love the transparency in this post::: The Laundry and the Furious Woman

Some great “how not to” tips::: Seven Ways To Destroy Your Marriage

And some easy practical “how to” ones as well::: 6 Ways to Rediscover That Lovin’ Feeling

This post doesn’t have to do with marriage, but we frequently talk about how important it is in marriage::: How To Take a Compliment

Love this as a married person with a dear friend who is single::: What Married People Wish Single People Knew

So after ten years of marriage (and nine years of teaching marriage prep), you’d think that I (Ryan) would be less likely to make dumb husband mistakes. That did not occur to me yesterday as I started at the television, trying to determine how to tape the Red Wings game when the DVR was already recording two programs.

My thought process…

“Well, Jill is out to the movies with her friends and the Red Wings are playing. So she won’t need all of these show, right? I’ll get rid of this Whitney show, er wait… I could record everything in low def… that would work. But what’s the point of even watching the Wings in low def? Bye bye Whitney. I’m sure Jill won’t care.”

Wrong.

And what’ makes it even more ironic? We had taped this segment (click here) on Fox 17 live earlier in the day.